Springfield Weekly

Quotes

The one-liner can be considered the lowest form of comedy in television. One character makes an eye-rollingly painful setup, and the next character finishes with a "that's what she said". The Simpsons, as you've probably come to realize, is different. When Homer told Marge that even though Kent Brockman was rich there was one thing he would never have, no one expected his answer to be "a dinosaur". No, The Simpsons aren't like other sitcoms, which probably explains why we can have hundreds of quotes from dozens of characters on this page that represents just a snapshot of the show's comedic power. From within the Simpson family outwards to the most minor members of the secondary cast, all the show's characters have their unique sense of humour or character absurdity that makes this list an enjoyable read. There won't be one other page on this site where you'll spend more time analyzing and laughing at than this one.

Homer Simpson

Woo hoo! Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!
Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during a commercial.
He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!?
Cable. It's more wonderful that I dared hope.
Nothing a month? Yeah, I think I can swing that.
Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!
Oh my god, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.
Mmm... 64 slices of American cheese.
Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!
Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded!
No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz!
Oh Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you'd look if you were a cartoon character!
The... uh... feast of Maximum Occupancy.
If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
They're going to observe the human peep show that is our lives!
Oh, cruel fate, why do you mock me?
Kids, kids, kids. As far as daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers!
Come on honey. You work yourself stupid for this family! If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
But let me tell you, the slim, lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo!
Oh, I'm never going to be disabled!
I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
Maybe for once, someone will call me "sir", without adding, "you're making a scene".
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around...
You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Oh my god! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
I don't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV! This one's for real!
These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
Yeah. Maybe I do have the right... What's that stuff?
Wait a minute... Statue Of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs, you blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
To start, press any key. Where's the any key?
Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new Jazzman...
Laser effects, mirrored balls! John Williams must be spinning in his grave...
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie "Spaceballs". But instead, it's painful and disturbing, like the movie "Police Academy".
Mmm... incapacitating.
This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anyone wants me, I'll be in the shower.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Wow! Info-tainment!
Stupid carbon rod. It's all just a popularity contest.
You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?
Now I'm lucky if I can find half-an-hour a week to in which to get funky.
English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
If it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders were dead.
I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49! Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are...
With $10,000, we'd be billionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love!
De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language!
I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown. I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.
See you in hell - candy boys!
Television - teacher, mother, secret lover...
Mmm... waffle run-off.
There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
You don't quit your job just because it's hard. you go in there everyday and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
Nobody told us raising kids would be so hard. Then we realized we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.
Food goes in here. It sure does.
A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds...it makes ice.
Son, when you participate in sporting events it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders. I'm a four eyed lame-o who wears the same sweater every day. To the Springfield River!
I was at the flower shop too. Yup, getting drunk at the old flowers shop.
I never apologize. I'm sorry Lisa but that's just the way I am.
And I'm not easily impressed. Wo a blue car!
Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Wait a minute. You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving!
But Marge, how can I make a difference. I'm only (counts on fingers) one man.
What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
If something is hard to do, it's not worth doing. You just stick the electric guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go watch TV.
Bart, with 10 000 dollars we could be millionaires!
Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need a favour from you.
Stupid TV, be more funny.
Marge, anyone can miss Canada. All tucked away down there.
Extended warranty! How can I lose?
Son, I want to apologize. I just got so caught up in trying to encourage you, I was blinded by your stinky performance.
Let me set the record straight. I though the cop was a prostitute.
I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine.
It's true, I'm a rageoholic. I can't live without rageohol!
It's the code of the schoolyard Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Lets see. Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, oh and never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Bart Simpson

No offense Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
He's gonna kill Rod and Todd, too! That's horrible... in principle.
You're a pink monkey! Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job!
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
It's crap-tacular!
Obviously, you two have no experience causing a scene.
Joe's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Joe's Crematorium, you kill it, we grill it!
I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try.
Please don't make me stay, Dad! I'll do anything you say! I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
Part of this D minus belongs to god.
I'm tired. I'm hungry. Can't we just get a new house?
Ay carumba!
Eat my shorts.
Can you get me some of the Flintstone's chewable morphine?
Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me...
I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. No one can prove anything!
Oh, no, what if they botch it? I won't have a dad... for a while.
Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?
Oh great, I get to spend the summer with my brain.
I'm only ten and I have two mortal enemies!
Good lord, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
I'm Bart Simpson - who the hell are you?
She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug!
Just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Water doesn't obey your "rules". It goes where it wants, like me babe.
Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and uh, I'm a little behind.
Rocky II plus Rocky V equals Rocky VII - Adrian's Revenge!
Alright! Twelve bucks and free grub to boot! Viva Skid Row!
Wow, Mom, I never pictured you as any kind of authority figure before.
Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.
Soul?!? Come on Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul! It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogie Man or Michael Jackson.
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sorta collapsed on itself, but Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
I hope they show the time where they traded guns to the Indians for corn, and then the Indians shot them and took the corn!
Okay, so I committed a little mail fraud. Haven't I been punished enough?
The best part was when the buildings fell down.
Note to self: Shut up Lisa
I don't know, I was just looking at my shoe laces.
Crap, Boobs, Crap. -- Hell, Damn Fart
You're turning me into a criminal when all I wanna be is a petty thug.
Lets see if they wore underwear back then.
Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress. Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
It's no use, I'm never going to find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow lemon shaped rock over there. Wait a minute... there's a lemon behind that rock.
You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when they're out ofchocolate milk, you cry when your doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're going to livelike kings. Damn hell ass kings!
I just want to say how glad I am to finally see some chicks on the bench. Keep up the good work toots.

Milhouse Van Houten

Everything's coming up Milhouse!
Look out Itchy! He's Irish!
How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.
Let's go crazy, Broadway style!
My mom says I'm not allowed to go on sprees.
I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.
Oh, it's never a good time!
I can't go to juvy! They use guys like me for currency!
Oh... can't I just get the surgery?
I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.
It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat!
Remember that time your dog ate my goldfish and then you told me i didn't have any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Take that Mom! Take that Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you! Take that Dr. Sally Walxler! Ahh (gets ejected)
Hey, He said radical. I say radical, that's the word that I say. I'm going to explode here.
But I'm all Milhouse! My mom says I'm the coolest guy in school.
A cup holder?!? Bart, we've gotta stop and get a cup.
Who has better vacation idea than AAA? According to the publisher of this AAA guidebook, no one.

Grampa Simpson

Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions.
Thank you for this award. It is a great honor that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.
Oral thermometer, my eye! Think warm thoughts boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.
Ah, the fortune doesn't matter, boy. The important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
The pink ones keep ya from screamin'!
Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!
... I did wear a dress in the forties. Oh, they had designers then!
I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist... I'm president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason...
We're not allowed to read newspapers, they angry up the blood!
Do you have my pills?
My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
My story begins back in 19 dickity two. We had to say dickity cause the chiser had stolen are word 20. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickity 6 miles.
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

Ralph Wiggum

I think I ate a thumbtack.
My cat's breath smells like catfood.
I bent my wookie!
Me fail English? That's unpossible!
What's a battle?
At my house, we call them "uh ohs"!
My face is on fire!
I dress myself!
I ate all my caps...
When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
Hi Lisa! We're going to be in a pie!
So, do you like... stuff?
...And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life!
My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it! Can I have another one?
Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.
I got car sick in your office.
I'm scared, too scared to even wet my pants

Lisa Simpson

Wow, it's like Woodstock, only with lots of advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards!
I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
Relax! I can't relax? Nor I can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms! Oh my god, I'm losing my perspicacity!
This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or "Melrose Place".
Look around you, Malibu Stacy. All this was bought with dirty money. Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic...
I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
Like, you know... whatever!
I don't get it! Straight A's, perfect attendance, Bathroom Timer... I should be the most popular girl in school!
He's like a riddle trapped in an enigma trapped in a vest.
I like you too Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more of a big sister!
Woo hoo! I mean.. splendid.
Remember how I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? I'm calling in a favor.
An earring! How rebellious... in a conformist sort of way.
How I am supposed to hallucinate with all these swirling colors distracting me?
I read at a 78th grade level.
Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular... more so!
In fact, in Ran McNally people where hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting republican!
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans Dad, we watch an appalling amount of TV.
But mom, if you take away TV from us, we'll grow up without a sense of humour and be robots
I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Homes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mello Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

Groundskeeper Willie

Get yer haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ails ya!
I said "Make way for Willie", ye bloated gas bag!
Ach! Back to the Loch with you, Nessie!
Willie hears ya, Willie don't care.
Ach, my retirement grease!
Argh, I'll kill that Mr. Burns! And wound that Mr. Smithers!
I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ye, and burn yer town to cinders!
That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.
Ah, this air-conditioning is wasting more energy than Rickey Martin's girlfriend.

Chief Wiggum

Frankly, I would have expected better from "Jimmy The Scumbag".
I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Oh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt... um, oh, geez, trees, shrubs, uh, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now!
Oh yes, we won, we won, we won! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, a heh heh, we won't be going out for pizza.
Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!
I've added an extra ingredient, just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenango. Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatamalan insane asylum.
Okay, chimey, this time, the bell tolls for thee!
Hey Krusty, Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store?
Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case, and you'll go scot-free.
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?
There you go son! That's a kill shot!
Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw come on, continue! Aw. All right Lou, open fire...
Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucausian male, between the ages of 6-10, thinning hair?
All right. Come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says Capricorn, and something with coconut on it!
Your story is very compelling Mr. Jackass, I mean Simpson. So I'll just write it down on my invisible type writer.
Yeah right buddy, licker store robbery officer down waaa.
Sorry lady, but there's no law against writing threatening notes.
Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. *hahaha.* Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.
How do you like that, it's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purpose of gambling.
Well she didn't reckon with the awesome power of the chief of police! Now where did I put my badge.
Yeah, that's what they all say, they all say "doh'.
Sorry, you've got the wrong number. This is 9-1-2.
Oh my god...someone took a bite out of the giant rice krispie square. Oh and the waiter's been brutally beaten.
Isn't that cute, a baby driving a car. And there's a dog driving a bus.

Otto The Bus Driver

They call 'em fingers, but I've never seen 'em fing.
We gotta fill this thing with Epsom salts and jam it on over to the old folk's home.
Whoa! Acid flashback.

Apu

Ah, the searing kiss of hot lead, how I've missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
Thank you, come again.
I have been shot eight times this year. As a result, I almost missed work.
If you survive, please come again!
Mrs. Krabappel! I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices.
No offense, but we're putting the bitch on ice.
Please do not offer my God a peanut!
I could not sell him. He's like a frozen father to me.
You are one Mahat-Mama!
Good rice, good curry, good Gandhi, let's hurry!
Thank you for coming. I'll see you in hell!
Must you dump on everything we do?
Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass!
I just enrolled in a screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, "Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey!"
Take that down! As a semilegal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament as red-hot as the candies which bear that name.
I;m going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!
I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade. I only did it because I love this land, where I have the freedom to say, and to think, and to charge whatever I want!
I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Silly customer. You cannot hurt a twinkie.
Hello, I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels.
I'm so angry I could just, I could just fall asleep.
Mr.Simpson - A twizzler is not a sprinkle, a mounds is not a sprinkle...a Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle!
Oh, a headbag. These are chock full of...heady goodness.
You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
This is not as hot a party as I had anticipated.
Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.
Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lone Heart's club van. I hope I will enjoy my show.
My ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me.
If you survive, please come again.
You ducks are really trying my patience. But you're so cute!
Hey, hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely again."
Everybody to my place for blueberry squishies and microwave burritos.
He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.
Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I own a convenience store you know.
Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
Nickel off on expired baby food!

Mr. Burns

And remember, a shiny new donkey for the man who brings me the head of Colonel Montoya!
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a 5% pay cut.
Yes, you're in deep "D'oh" now.
I tried to meet you halfway on this Simpson, but you had to be Little Johnny Live-a-Lot.
Dought-nuts? I told you, I don't like ethnic foods!
You should have seen the murderous glint in his eye, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzeled bread.
Oops, lost a nail. Well, that's leprosy for you.
I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
60 watts? What do you think this is, a tanning salon?
You call this a super computer?
I asked for light starch on my nightcap!
Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!
Smithers? He doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay".
If you see only one film this year that proves my innocence, make it this one.
Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
Damn that Pennybags! Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken!
Did I say "corpse hatch"? I meant "innocence tube"!
No. All the bald children are arousing suspicion.
Patience Monty... climb the ladder!
Listen, Spielbergo. Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners! We both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked dammit!
It will be like taking candy from a baby... hey, that sounds like a lark - let's try it right now!
A nonprofit organization with oil? I won't allow it!
I tired to meet you halfway on this Simpson, but you had to be Little Johnny Live-A-Lot!
The negotiations have failed! Shoot him!
A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commisioner.
Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic! Yech, I heard that one seventy-five years ago!
Oh yes, sitting - the great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?
Best of all, it's made from 100% recycled animals!
Family, religion, friendship: These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
How dare you destroy my wall and spill my priceless acid?!? Did you really think you were going to get away with it?
Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes maybe? Smithers, throw this at him!

Krusty The Klown

And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!
I'm so happy I could plotz!
This is a dream factory, the birthplace of magic and enchantment! Now I need you to clean out my toilet.
I heartily endorse this event or product.
Now kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return.
So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwaazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified, Ramadan. And now a word from MY god, our sponsors!
Anyway, all you gotta do is say "I am waiting for a bus". Then I'll hit you with pies for five minutes. Got that?
Now come on in and get your catskins!... I mean, sheepskins.
Thirty-five years in show business and already nobody remembers me. Just like what's his name, and whos-its, and you know, that guy, who always worse a shirt...
If this is anybody but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!
Oh yeah! I slaughtered the Special Olympics.
I've had plenty of guys come after me, and I've buried them all. Hobos, sea captains, Joey Bishop...
Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish clowns.
Well, kids, this is where Itchy & Scratchy would be, except they're on the Gabbo show now. So here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team - Worker and Parasite!
I could pull a better cartoon out of my...hey hey wasn't that great kids!
Lets just say it moved me. To a bigger house! Oh crap, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.
I thought they were due! That game was fixed! The Globetrotters used a ladder for pete's sake! C'mon! He's just holding out the ball, take it!
Tonight, I'm going to suck...(next cue card) your blood.
You were in The Blue Lagoon, and I'm a blue haired goon... what the? That's terrible! My hair's not even blue, it's green!
Banana? That's your answer to everything! And you, Mel, I don't even know what you are.
Now for my favourite part of the show...what does that say? Talk to the audience?!? Ohhhh, this is always death. Or I could be one of the after guys. Ahh, that's better. I can ride a bike again!
I will personally spit in every fifth birthday.
Did you send those flowers to Bea Arthurs' grave? I don't care if she's not dead yet, just do it.Bart, I need your fingerprints on a pair of candlesticks. Meet me in the conservatory chop, chop! Don't worry, everything will be alright..."
After 35 years of show business people already forget who you are...just like what's his name...you know, the guy...he always wore the shirt?
Don't blame me! It's the Percadan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain...And now a word from our new sponsor...Percadan, oh crap.Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place years ago.

Kent Brockman

This just in - go to hell!
This just in, a new addition to our "worst dressed list" - those guys!
Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly, afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today, everyone is a little bit Irish! Eh-heh, except, of course, for the gays, and the Italians!
Down here at Springfield Mall, a storm-addled crowd seems to have turned its rage on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
...If you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over-'conquered,' if you will-by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain; there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves
Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of Smartline. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say 'No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?' But one woman says 'yes'... Marge Simpson
Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Taken together, that excess blubber could fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind that it is a very big canyon.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so, the following people are gay...
This is hour 57 of our live 'round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put out the cat. Possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
Springfield spelling phenom has qualified for spellings answer to the Olympics, the Spellympics. In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for the use of the suffix lympics

Comic Book Guy

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity...
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix!
Are you the creator of High and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
Your penciling is sub-Ziggy, and the main character is off-model in every frame. However, I deem this rack-worthy.
Worst episode ever!
Human contact... the final frontier?
For some of us, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more!
But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life.

Moe

They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe."
He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
Methinks I shan't.
You're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born to the day they die, they think they're happy, but trust me, they ain't...
You gotta supply your OWN doorknobs!
Here, I brung you some posies.
Yeah, family restaurants - that's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family!
I'm better than dirt - well most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I, I can't compete with that stuff.
Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks.
Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Nelson Muntz

Cram it ma'am.
My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Simpson, go kiss the virtual ass.
Nice shoes, two feet.
Ha ha. Hey, that hurts. No wonder nobody came to my birthday.

Ned Flanders

Want me to zinc your sniffer?
I'm a mur-diddley-urdler
Look Homer, all of us pull a few boners now and tehn, go off half-cocked, make asses of ourselves. So I don't to be hard on you, but I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boys!
There's the ole face shredder!
Ooh, I better take down that manger scene! If Baby Jesus got loose, he could cause some real damage!
I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years - "Hey buddy, got a quarter?"
Calm down, Neddily-diddlily-diddily-diddily-diddily... They did their best... Shoddily-iddly-iddly-diddly... Gotta be nice... hostility-ility-bility-dility - aw hell, diddly-ding-dong crap!
Ooh, kicking and screaming, please!
Oh you Americans with your due process and fair trials. This is always so much easier in Mexico!
Can't you this man isn't a hero? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!
Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.
We're heading back. Todd's got Zesty Italian in his eye.
Oh, golly, if that doesn't put the shaz in shazam. Oh listen, what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income taxes?
Team sports will keep you away from rock music and girls!

Major Joe Quimby

Again? This stupid country!
How would you like a street named after you?
I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies, but as Gabbo would say, I'm a bad widdle boy.
It has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore, I will step aside and open the floor.
Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all and I assure you, they were perfectly sane.
Hey, I am no longer illiterate!
By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell and tricorner hat. You will have the hat cleaned and then return it.
Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot of heat. So I am flip-flopping. I say, let him stay down there.
Chat away, I'll just amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards.
First of all, yes there is a comet in the sky and yes it is going to hit Springfield. (crowd applauds)... Uh, you don't need to applaud that.
We'll plow up our dams, destroy our forests, anything. If there's a species of animal causing you problems, nosing around your cameras, we'll have it wiped out.
You can't seriously want me to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Thank you Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a non-descript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

Sideshow Bob

Oh I'll stay away from your son alright, stay away... forever. Oh wait that's no good. Oh, I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
Mr. Simpsons your children are no more....then a bunch of ill-bred trouble makers.
I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this. Rustic workmen have turned the sani-john into a smoke house, coveralls that don't quite cover all, and a psychotic little boy who won't leave me alone - this little boy right here!"
Who is that? Why it's Bart Simpson. Hello Bart! (Bart hides) He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times.
You do know I used to have a problem with trying to kill people.
Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I'm fairly indifferent.
You don't have to worry about me brother. I'm all murdered out.
The following neighborhood residents will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson...that is all."
Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Attempted murder? Now honestly what is that? Do they give out a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?
The truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah! I derive your truth handling abilities!
By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it so don't bother pointing that out.

Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel

I can call my ma from here. Hey Ma. Get off the dang roof!
Now she's my Mama too.
Are you some kind of moron.
Haha Dang. You could be one of them TV magic queers.
Never you mind Brandine. You just go back to birthing that baby.
Hey Brandine! Look at that pointy haired little girl!

Marge Simpson

Homer don't take it personally, but I've obtained a court order to obtain you from planning this wedding.
You know, fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so fast I barely even noticed.
I'm not wild about these high risk adventures. They sound risky.
I think it's about time I opened up a can of woop tooshie on this situation.
If you want, we can have a dance right here. Every Simpson dance now!
They need a good, stiff, all-purpose shoe. Something for church, but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups, piano recitals, building dedications, visiting the elderly relatives, haircuts, and shoe shopping.
Lisa, stop blowing my sex. I mean blowing your sax, your sax.
Listen, kids, your eight and ten years old. I can't be fighting your battles for you. You just march right back there, look them straight in the eye and say don't eat me!
Look at them! They jumped on the one franchise I might possibly have considered thinking becoming interested in.
Marge is in the house!... or she will be soon... because it needs some cleaning!

Principal Seymour Skinner

Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.
Order order! Do you kids want to be like the UN or just squabble and waste time?
There's no mystery about Wille. Why, he's simply disappeared.
Hello Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman. She was right to do it.
Ha, I hardly let mother fight for me anymore.

Hans Moleman

Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
Hello, this is Moleman in the morning. Good Moleman to you.
Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every day.
We paid for blood!
I was saying Boo-urns.

Lenny

You're only calling it a cow college because it was founded by a cow.
Drinking and night swimming, a winning combination.
I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny.
Miss, miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. This split you sold me is making me choke.
That old goat can't fire me, I otta give him a piece of my mi...ahhhhhh. Aw nuts.
You cost us our jobs, which we needed for working.
Ah, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.
Ah, my eye. I'm not supposed to get jags in it.
Plutonium? Isn't that kind of risky?...Yeah, I guess you're right, it's not.
So I said to the cop, "no you're under the influence of being a jerk."

Rainer Wolfcastle

Ah, my eyes. The goggles do nothing!
If you don't shut up, I'll rip out your throat and use it as a napkin.
Ahahaha...laughing time is over.
At first glance they appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer inspection. (A while goes by) Upon closer inspection, these are loafers.
Right now, I'm thinking of holding another meeting...in bed.
Ice to meet you.
And now my Woody Allen impression. "I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."

Dr. Nick

See you in the operating place.
The knee bone's connected to the, something. The something's connected to the, red thing. The red thing's connected to my, wrist watch. Uh-oh.
It's such a nice day, I think I'll take a walk out the window.
One, two, three. Out like a light. Oops, maybe if I fiddle with these knobs. I smell gas. Pleasant gas. Night, night gas. (Passes out)
Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg.
Did you go to Hollywood upstairs medical college too?
The most rewarding part was when he gave me the money.
You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court.
Free nose jobs for everybody! Uhh, you first.
Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. 'Till I jam this down your throat.

Waylon Smithers

Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
I'm allergic to bees, they cause me to ah, die.
Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles.
Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say, I love you....in those colours. Who am I kidding, the boathouse was the time!
They were saying boo-urns! Boo-urns!
I think women and seamen don't mix.

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